I don’t know what into me, when I enter the apartment we used to live together in the past few years.
Without any feelings, moved like a robot, open boxes and split between what is mine and his.
Letters I wrote, gifts I bought, clothes and much more.
He arrived with a bag and few handbags. That’s it. He left with heaps of boxes and books.
11 years together, 9.5 under the same roof.
For hours, 2.5 days I’ve moved from one room to another.
At the beginning, it was all material, at some points my eyes caught things that raise so much feelings, Flashbacks.
I was happy I’ve been alone.
I allow myself to cry and move on.
I allow myself to fell apart and understand that although it is painful, I’ve done choice.
I’ve done it right because after all – at the end like I packed up twice all of our stuff and open & organize and he wasn’t there. This time it happen again.
This time there is no excises of study and work.
This time he gave other excuses, and that was the “gushpanka” for what already understood months ago, maybe year.
So – sometimes with tears in my eyes I continue to split between our stuff not allowing myself to feel.
I knew if I allow feeling too much, I will fell apart.
Even maybe can change my mind.
This is not an option. I had enough. Just continue. Do not stop.
Just me, myself and I in that moment
Fighting with the inner conversation with the opponent that wants to lead back to the past
I had a choice.
I choose me. Not in the ego way, but the brave, strong way…
I choose myself rather than to continue loosing myself year by year. I choose to make the best from my life
It was hard, because I choose to give up while I was still loved.
Next to it I understood that I gave up on myself much before i gave up on him and our married
Sometimes in life we have to make hard choices.
Choices that will take us totally out from our comfortable zone
Choices that will tears us apart
Choices that will push our limits and test our strengths time after time even when we will think that we can’t any more, we will find that we have even more…
I didn’t shut my heart; I open it to myself, to new beginning. This what happen when you make a move…